Building Connections to Broken Hearts: Helping People Face The Trauma of Mass Firings
There’s a documentary on HBO Max (formerly Max, formerly HBO Max) about the comedian, George Carlin. Someone who loved him said that his turn toward angry diatribe comedy late in life happened because he had become angry and disillusioned by society. But more importantly, that anger and disillusionment was rooted in his deep love for humanity.
There was something profoundly relatable there. I have both depression (I don’t care about anything) and anxiety (I care about everything way too much). It’s a constant ping-pong battle in my head. I often wondered why I have such a pessimistic view of the world while also wanting so much to make the world safer, better, more just for people. I realized it was possible that my anger and pessimism was a (semi-conscious) response to the hurt and sadness I witness in the world. A kind of protection layer to cover up my nougatty center.
This week, I spent two days at a conference that was attended by a lot of technologists who used to work for the Federal Government until DOGE came along and casually belittled them before firing them. The stated plan by officials was “to put them into trauma.” So it wasn’t a mistake to hurt them and break their lives apart. It was the goal. THE GOAL. Of adult human beings. To put other human beings into trauma.
As I met these folks and listened to their stories, I was reminded of both my pessimism (humans who would do this to other humans are evil and always have been) and my nougat (my god, these poor human souls—I have to help them). At lunch with a few fellow attendees, we started talking about my social support research and a woman who had been fired said,
“You should write an article about how to support people going through these firings.”
I have some hesitation about doing so as I am not directly affected by these layoffs. I’m only a very angry citizen. But given my past academic research, I thought I could write a few general tips for thinking about how to support federal workers under this pressure. It’s something that uses my nougat to balance my rage and despair. Win-win.
First off, what is social support? Simply, it’s the way we communicate and/or enact practices or behaviors that assist someone else in a time of struggle. These struggles can be simple everyday kinds of things as well as the more seismic struggles like being fired by monsters. Most people think they are good at social support. Most people also think they have a good support system. But a looooot of research shows that actual, enacted support doesn’t really offer all that much help. Why, you ask?
Well. I am not omniscient, and I have not seen every instance of support communication gone awry. But the academic literature suggests that support goes wonky because a person offers support they would want instead of support the recipient wants.
Little known fact: people aren’t all the same.
So when support is offered that’s comfy for the person offering, there’s a pretty significant risk that the recipient will (at best) be grateful but unhelped or (at worst) be hurt or offended.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! You don’t have to be the friend who offers middling support. Your friend is hurting because the people in power decided to be assholes. Let me offer some tips for you on helping them cope with the assholery.
Dena’s Super Hot Tips to Providing Effective Social Support for Federal Workers Stuck in a Crap Situation
One of the most basic forms of advice I give people about offering support is not to offer advice. YES. I hear it. Yes, I know.
But I really do think “do not offer advice” is the best advice. Sometimes a good paradox will set you up for success.
In general, people only want advice when they ask for advice. And when someone has been through a traumatic event like a mass firing rooted in cruelty that dismisses both their work and their humanity, they probably won’t want advice. And if they do, they’ll ask for it.
Instead of advice, consider the other forms of support:
- Emotional support: This kind of support is rooted around helping a person navigate, process, and handle their complicated emotions around what has happened. Try asking them if they want to talk about how they’re feeling. If they want to talk about it, if they don’t want to talk about it. If they want to be distracted from the emotions they’re feeling about it. Ask if you can offer any kind of solace, and if not, what else can you do to validate and help them in their current emotional state. The key is not to dictate to them how you are going to support them emotionally. Instead, tell them you’re ready to hear their emotions and go with whatever will be helpful to them (even if that helpful is, “I just want to be alone”).
Major caveat alert: only do this if you’re actually willing to do the hard work that follows. It can add sorrow to sorrow if you say you want to help them emotionally but then you shut down when their emotions make you uncomfortable. If you can’t handle raw emotion, don’t offer to help them emotionally. You have to be really ready for anything, maybe even your own tears of solidarity. If you can’t, try another form of support, such as: - Tangible support: This kind of support is more material in nature, including activities, physical or financial assistance, help with errands, providing transportation, editing job application materials. Anything that provides a direct service to someone. When you’ve lost your job, there are lots of really practical parts of your life that are impacted. You’ve lost income. You’ve lost a sense of direction for your day-to-day schedule. You’ve lost co-workers that you used to share a cup of coffee with. Offering tangible support can provide a (temporary) feeling of normalcy as well as potentially helping keep them afloat while they figure out what’s next. As with emotional support, every person will have a different answer for what tangible support would be helpful. So instead of telling the person what you’re going to do for them, ask what you can do for them. If they aren’t sure but seem receptive to help, then maybe offer some suggestions, but don’t be mad if they reject them all. You are there to help, not guilt them into accepting your help. If they say they can’t think of anything in the moment, ask if you can reach out again in a few days. The thing is, when you’re in a hard time, you not only don’t know what you need, you also don’t always have the energy to ask for help. So a friend who can just check in periodically with offers of tangible support can be a lifeline. As long as “no” is accepted—every time, without offence. You might also sneak it in with a casual, “I am going to the grocery store near you. Anything I can pick up and drop off for you?” Or “I’m going to be in your area tomorrow, need help with any errands or anything?” “Can I pick you up for a cup of coffee this afternoon after my doctor’s appointment?” By making it feel like something already tied to your day, your friend may feel more comfortable accepting help. Because let’s face it: asking for and needing help can feel yuck. Do what you can to make the yuck less yucky.
Major caveat: Do not offer tangible support and then withdraw it because it’s too hard. If you have particular limitations, it’s best to lay that out in advance. Don’t have the time to drive someone during the day? Make sure you make that clear. Are you struggling financially, too? You can find a way to say, “Hey, you know I don’t have a lot of cash right now, either, but I can offer help in this way instead.” Being upfront about what you can do will help your struggling friend know what to ask for and when to ask someone else. - Network support: Network support is the act of making a person feel included in a group and linking people to others with common interests and goals. In the case of job loss, this can include interpersonal belonging. Someone who’s going through a lot may often be kind of a downer. Invite them anyway and allow them space to be who they are in this current struggle. Let them know you really want to stay connected. Also, be conscious of how much money it costs to go to events in public. How can you organize events for a social group that is affordable even for someone being extra careful with money? Offer to buy them a cup of coffee or beer (though be aware of the risks of appearing to pity them). Invite them to your place for a movie with snacks.In addition to the more interpersonal inclusion, think about whether you have any professional networking connections you can make. We all know the truism that finding a job is a whole lot about who you know. And who your friends know. If you can facilitate an introduction to someone who may have either job leads or some solid input on how to find relevant work, give your friend the nod. If your friend is struggling to pay for dues to an important professional organization, help them find resources to pay or offer to help pay if you’re able. Where relevant, offer to go with them to professional events in your community so that it feels less intimidating. Then be their hype person as you mingle. “My friend, here, is looking for work, and let me tell you about their skills in _____.”
Major caveat: Make sure you’re both on board for the networking that’s about to happen. Don’t spring people on people. Do some pre-planning with both parties so they know that the introduction is welcome.
The Bigger Picture: You may have noticed a bit of a trend. But just in case you didn’t, let me spell it out. The key to success in offering any kind of social support is to consider three things: the task, the individuals, and your relationship to one another.
- The task in this case is helping a friend after a job loss that was sudden and cruel.
- The individuals are you (the supporter) and them (the supportee). Each of you brings a particular personality with particular personal and social histories. Recognize that what works for you as an individual may not be great for them as an individual. Make your support centered around them. If you don’t know what they need from you, ask them. If it feels awkward, just start a discussion and see if you can suss it out. Ask other people who know them if they have thoughts on how the supportee might like to be supported.
- The relationship is all about taking into consideration your specific history with this person, including how long you’ve known them, in what capacity, and with what anticipated future. If you’ve been friends for 25 years, that’s very different from knowing them since last fall. The trust is different, the common knowledge will be less, the intensity of support required or desired may vary tremendously. Just be conscious of that and offer support that feels natural to who you are together.
This is a time of great sorrow for a lot of people. So many people. It’s going to take a long time for this trauma to feel manageable. Know that supporting a friend facing this mass mess is a long game. It’s not a one-and-done situation, it’s a ride-or-die situation. It’s being ready, willing, and able to be there for them through a range of emotions, needs, and next steps. What will work one day, will definitely not work next month. You have to be nimble and you have to communicate. A LOT.
Pay attention, ask gentle questions, stay calm even when it feels like your friend is being unreasonable or hurtful. Do this because you recognize that trauma speaks in many different voices with the same voice.
Unreasonable and hurtful may not be intended, or it may just be stress or trauma venting. Your job is to say, “It’s okay. I’m here for you.”
And then…be there for them.